Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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