I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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