hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
