you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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