You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
