worst night to have a conscience
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
