Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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