Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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