Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
