There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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