My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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