god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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