between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
