The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
