O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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