I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
