apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
