my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
