My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
