God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
YAS. BRING CRAB.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
