What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
