Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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