I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
