I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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