What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
