True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
