Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
