drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
