Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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