Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
