thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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