Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
