I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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