the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
