I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
