he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
