I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
