I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
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