when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
