True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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