thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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