I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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