i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
