cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
