Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
