FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
