so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
you never un-have a 4some
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
