People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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