apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
