Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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